Relationships should feel safe, supportive, and empowering. But sometimes, unhealthy behaviours can creep in, making you feel confused, anxious, or even trapped. Two common signs of an unhealthy relationship are coercive control and gaslighting—and it’s important to understand what they mean.

These behaviours can happen in any relationship—whether you’re straight, LGBTQ+, dating casually, or in a committed relationship. Let’s break it down.

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is when someone uses tactics to manipulate, intimidate, or dominate their partner. It’s not always obvious, but over time, it can make you feel like you’ve lost your freedom or independence.

Examples of coercive control:

• Monitoring your every move: Constantly checking your phone, tracking where you go, or demanding to know who you’re with.
• Isolating you: Stopping you from seeing friends or family, or making you feel guilty for spending time with others.
• Controlling your choices: Telling you what to wear, who you can talk to, or how to spend your money.
• Emotional manipulation: Using guilt, threats, or extreme jealousy to control your actions.

This kind of behaviour isn’t love—it’s control. Everyone has the right to make their own choices and feel safe in a relationship.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where someone makes you doubt yourself or your reality. It can leave you feeling confused, questioning your own memory, or wondering if you’re overreacting.

Examples of gaslighting:

• Denying things they said or did: Even when you’re sure it happened, they might say, “That never happened,” or, “You’re imagining things.”
• Blaming you: Turning the situation around so you feel like the problem, even when they’ve done something wrong.
• Downplaying your feelings: Saying things like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re too sensitive,” when you express hurt.

Gaslighting can make you feel like you’re losing your sense of self. Remember: your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard.

How Do These Behaviours Show Up in LGBTQ+ Relationships?

Coercive control and gaslighting can happen in any relationship, including LGBTQ+ ones. In fact, people in LGBTQ+ relationships might face additional challenges, like:

• Threats of “outing” you: Using your gender identity or sexuality against you, especially if you’re not out to everyone.
• Using stereotypes: Saying things like, “You’re not really (queer, trans, etc.) if you don’t do X,” to control your identity.
• Isolation from the LGBTQ+ community: Making you feel unwelcome or unsupported by other queer friends or spaces.

Healthy relationships celebrate who you are, without making you feel small, silenced, or scared.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

A healthy relationship should feel like a safe space. Here’s what that looks like:

• Respect: Your partner values your opinions, boundaries, and individuality.
• Trust: You feel secure without constant check-ins or doubts.
• Communication: You can openly share feelings, concerns, and needs without fear of being judged.
• Support: Your partner encourages your goals and celebrates your wins.

If something feels off in your relationship, trust your gut.

What Can You Do if You’re Experiencing Coercive Control or Gaslighting?

• Talk to someone you trust: A friend, family member, or someone in your community can offer perspective and support.
• Reach out for help: Services like domestic abuse hotlines or LGBTQ+ support groups can provide guidance.
• Set boundaries: If it’s safe to do so, start reclaiming your independence by setting limits on controlling behaviours.
• Seek professional advice: A counsellor or therapist can help you process what’s happening and make a plan to move forward.

You’re Not Alone

Unhealthy relationships can make you feel trapped, but support is out there. If you’re struggling, remember that reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Whether you’re LGBTQ+ or not, you deserve a relationship that uplifts you. No one has the right to control your life or make you doubt your worth.

Need help? Visit Essex Sexual Health Service or contact LGBTQ+ organisations like Switchboard or Galop.

Healthy relationships start with respect—for yourself and your partner. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.