Talking about your sexual desires, especially fantasies or kinks, can feel awkward at first. But when done with honesty, care, and consent, it can strengthen your relationship, build trust, and create a more fulfilling sex life for you and your partner(s).
So how do you start the conversation?
First Things First: What Are Kinks and Fantasies?
- Fantasies are thoughts or ideas that turn you on – they may or may not be something you want to try in real life.
- Kinks are sexual interests or activities that go beyond what’s considered “typical”- like BDSM, role play, domination and submission, or specific fetishes.
Everyone’s different, and that’s completely normal. It’s also okay to have fantasies you never want to act on, or to try something once and decide it’s not for you.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Fantasies or Kinks
- Pick the right moment – Don’t bring it up in the middle of sex. Instead, talk when you’re both relaxed, comfortable, and not distracted.
- Use “I” statements – For example, “I’ve been thinking about something I’d like to try…” or “I read about something that turned me on and wanted to share it with you.”
- Be honest but open – You’re inviting a conversation, not demanding anything. Be ready to listen to your partner’s feelings too.
- Share resources – If it’s something more niche, you could share an article or video together to explore it in a non-judgemental way.
My Partner Has a Kink – What Do I Do?
It can be surprising when a partner shares something intimate, especially if it’s outside your comfort zone. Here’s what to keep in mind:
- You don’t have to say yes – Consent goes both ways. It’s okay to say “I’m not into that,” or “I’d need to learn more first.”
- Be curious, not critical – Ask questions with care. Try, “What do you enjoy about that?” instead of reacting with judgement.
- Explore boundaries – Some people are happy to explore; others aren’t. Both responses are valid.
Communication, Consent & Boundaries
These are the foundation of any safe and respectful sexual relationship:
- Consent should be clear, ongoing, and can be withdrawn at any time.
- Boundaries should be openly discussed – what you’re up for, what’s a no-go, and what’s a maybe.
- Use safe words or signals, especially when exploring things like BDSM or role play.
Safe Exploration Tips
- Start slow – Try the idea in a lighter or more playful way before diving in fully.
- Do your research – Make sure you understand the kink, especially if safety is involved (like restraints or power play).
- Use protection – If your exploration involves new partners, bodily fluids, or toys, make sure you’re still protecting against STIs and keeping things hygienic.
Don’t Do Anything You’re Not Comfortable With
This is the most important takeaway: you never have to do something just to please someone else. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, understanding, and emotional safety.
Final Thoughts
Exploring fantasies and kinks can be a powerful way to deepen intimacy, but it should always be done with care, communication, and consent.
Whether you’re curious, cautious, or confident, Essex Sexual Health Service is here to support you with non-judgemental information, STI testing, contraception, and more.
🔗 Learn more at https://essexsexualhealthservice.org.uk
