This information is designed to help you think about if you feel ready for your first sexual encounter. It is designed to help you consider some of the steps you can take in advance to support your emotional and physical wellbeing if choosing to become intimate with a partner.
Intimate relationships are supposed to make you feel happy, safe and be something you enjoy. There is no right or wrong answer to the following questions, they are designed to help you explore considerations before you might start thinking about having sex. Remember – sex is meant to be fun and pleasurable, and something that all involved enjoys, for more information about enjoying sex check out our pleasure video (here).
Some people may regret some of their sexual experiences. This can be for a variety of reasons including:
- The experience not meeting their expectations
- Pain or discomfort during sex
- Having sex and then not hearing from the person after
- Their partner breaking the relationship off after having sex
- Emotional disconnect
- Feeling pressure to have sex
- Unplanned sexual outcomes such as pregnancy or STIs
- Sexual assault or abuse
There is not a hard and fast rule that is going to help us determine whether becoming intimate with someone is going to be something we later regret, but there are a few things people can do to make it less likely.
Are you and the person you are wanting to have sex with both over 16?
Sorry this quiz is designed for young people aged 16+ due to the legal age of consent to have sex in the UK being 16. Don’t worry, you can still access confidential sexual health services and book appointments by calling 0300 003 1212 or visiting essexsexualhealthservice.org.uk
Do you feel comfortable around them? Have you spent time together taking part in other activities and hobbies whilst getting to know each other?
If you don’t feel comfortable to be yourself around the person, it’s probably not a good idea to have sex with them. Sex is an intimate thing and is meant to be an enjoyable experience. You are less likely to enjoy yourself if you feel uncomfortable. You should feel confident to tell the person if you change your mind, or if you are not enjoying something. Why not wait and spend some more time getting to know them first, until you both feel comfortable to move your relationship to the next stage? Remember, the more emotionally connected you are, the more likely you are to enjoy your experience.
Have you shown each other affection in other ways, for example cuddling and kissing?
What’s the rush? Why rush to have sex when there are lots of other ways you can show each other affection and explore getting to know each other first? Why not spend some time getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company, and finding other ways to give each other pleasure first?
Do you feel ready, and do you feel you want to have sex with them (without persuasion, manipulation or pressure)?
If someone is pressuring, persuading, blackmailing or manipulating you to have sex, then this is not true consent and is classed as a sexual offence. It is your body, and you have the right to say no. To find out more about consent click here Sexual Wellbeing & Advice | Essex Sexual Health Services Or if you think you have been victim to a sexual assault you can seek support here Sexual Assault – Essex Sexual Health Service
Do you feel you could say no if you wanted to?
If you are worried about the consequences of saying no, then this can be a red flag, and it sounds like there could be a power imbalance (where one person in the relationships has a greater power, influence or control) between you both. A sexual partner should respect your decision and not try to change your mind.
Have you spoke about what you are both looking for eg a one off hook up or long-term relationship? Have you spoken about whether you are or plan to be sexually active with other people and do you feel happy with each other’s responses?
It is always a good idea to have these conversations before you have sex to ensure that you both want the same things. This means you are less likely to feel regret or disappointment after.
Have you discussed having sex and agreed it is something you both want to do? Has this talk included discussing how to stay safe, for example contraception, STI testing, possible pregnancy risk (depending on the type of sex) and then types of sex you are both happy to have, for example; oral sex (with mouth); penetrative sex (physical entry into someone’s body). Have you discussed boundaries, what you both like and what you don’t like? And how you will communicate to each other if you want to stop or change your mind?
Having sex comes with risks, and it is both people’s responsibility to put steps in place to prevent the likelihood of these risks occurring. This can include things like barrier protection (Condoms – Essex Sexual Health Service) and contraception if there is a pregnancy risk (Emergency – Essex Sexual Health Service). Remember, if a woman is on contraception to prevent pregnancy, the contraception is only as effective as the person taking it and barrier methods such as condoms are the only form of contraception that protect you against STIs, when used correctly.
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What is virginity?
Virginity is a social construct to define a person who has not engaged in sexual activity. Different societies and religions place varying degrees of importance on virginity, sometimes linked to marriage, social status, or religious beliefs. Virginity or sexuality does not equate to a persons worth or place in society and it is completely up to the individual if and when they choose to have sex. The legal age of consent is 16 in the UK, however, just because the age of consent is 16 doesn’t mean you have to have sex once you turn 16. A study found that only 36% of Britons had first time sex aged 16 or younger and four in five (78%) said they had had sex with someone before they turned 20.
How do I know if my partner wants to have sex/is consenting?
Consent is the most essential part in having sex, without consent sex is a crime. The easiest way to check your partner is consenting to any sexual act is to ask them directly. However, sometimes people might say yes to something but their body language and/or facial expressions might be saying something different. This is why it is important to check in with your sexual partner throughout any sexual act so that you give them the opportunity to express their feelings and boundaries, remember, people have the right to change their mind at any time, and may consent to one type of sex, but not another. Remember, without consent, sex is rape and can lead to criminal convictions.
I want to be sexual with my partner but I am not ready to have sex yet, what else can we do?
Intimacy does not just have to mean sex. If you want to be intimate with you partner without having sex, it’s important to communicate this with your partner and come to an agreement together about what activities you are both comfortable with. You can get pleasure from a range of activities, not all sexual, which can include kissing, cuddling, engaging in hobbies together and having deep and emotional conversations. The most important thing to remember is every single person has the right to make their own decisions and create their own boundaries. Having sex in not the goal in a relationship and can be a very small element of a much bigger relationship.
How can I protect myself against sexually transmitted infections
Condoms (also known as external condoms) are a type of contraception called “barrier contraception” which can help prevent pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STI’s). External condoms are placed over the penis before starting sex and removed once sex is over. Condoms should fit snug over the penis and remain there throughout intercourse, there are 4 sizes available for free through Essex sexual health service to ensure this is possible. These can also be put on sex toys, which can help to prevent the exchanging of bodily fluids.
Internal condoms are placed inside the vagina with the opening on the outside for insertion of a penis, fingers or sex toy. For more information on this and how to put a condom on correctly please see our video here (insert condom video).
Lubrication or “lube” is used to make sex more pleasurable and easier for all involved. You place a small amount of lube on the outside of a condom or inside/around the genitals before having sex to help make penetration easier.
Will my first time hurt?
Many people worry that first time sex will be painful so let’s look at some of the steps people can put in place to make sex first time sex as enjoyable as possible.
One reason people might find it uncomfortable is if they are not relaxed enough which could lead to tense muscles that are hard to penetrate. The more comfortable and relaxed someone feels, the less likely this would be to happen, open and honest communication can help people to feel more relaxed when having sex.
Another reason could be due to a lack of lubrication. A vagina self-lubricates when a person becomes aroused, however the amount of natural lubrication produced can vary depending on factors like age, medications, hormones and menstrual cycle, and it’s common that people may need to use some additional lubrication For people having anal sex, the anus does not self-lubricate in the same way the vagina does, so additional lubricant is essential Lube can help lubricate the genitals to ensure penetration is more comfortable and enjoyable for all involved. You can receive free water-based lube with your condom pack through the ec card or from ordering through the PHR on ESHS.org.uk.
Another reason could be relating to condoms, if for example the condom is made of latex and you or your partner have a latex allergy, this could cause itching, redness or hives (and rarely severe cases can cause anaphylaxis shock). If you know you or your partner have a latex allergy you can get latex free condoms for free through ESHS. If a condom is too tight, this can also cause some discomfort, but again, XL condoms are available through the eC-Card scheme or ESHS.
Some people experience discomfort the first time they have sex, however if you find sex to be painful even with preparation you should communicate this with your partner and
you should seek advice through your GP. Sex should be a pleasurable experience for all involved, learn more about pleasure through our video here (insert pleasure video)
Will I bleed the first time I have Sex? Will I break my hymen when I have sex?
It is possible for a person with a vagina to bleed the first time they have penetrative sex due to their hymen (thin piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening) stretching or tearing slightly. However, your hymen may stretch or tear from a variety of other reasons including horse riding, inserting a tampon and masturbating. This is just one reason why not everyone bleeds the first time they have penetrative sex, but also why it is perfectly normal and safe if someone does bleed a small amount. If you bleed a significant amount (such as when the toilet water turns red or large blood clots are visible) you should seek medical assistance through your GP or call 111.
Will having sex affect my periods?
A variety of factors can affect a person’s period including stress, hormonal changes, weight changes and medication. Having any type of sex itself should not affect your period, whether that’s the length of your menstrual cycle or how heavy your flow is. However, if you have unprotected sex this could lead to a risk of STI’s and pregnancy which CAN affect periods, for example cause spotting between periods. If you are concerned about STIs visit our STI page here or order a self-test here (this is available for over 16s, under 16s can be supported in clinic). If you experience a delayed period or a much lighter than normal period, it is important to take a pregnancy test and seek medical advice. You can receive free pregnancy testing through the ESHS, you can make an appointment here.
Can I lose a condom inside of me when having sex?
A vagina or anus is a sealed space (like a bag) inside your body, meaning there is nowhere for anything you put inside yourself to exit except the hole you put it in. Therefore, things like tampons or condoms (if they come off a penis) should be easily removed from your vagina/anus. If for whatever reason you cannot find something you have placed in your vagina/anus, please contact ESHS 0300 003 1212 or visit your local A+E who will be able to remove this for you with the use of a speculum (a speculum is a medical device used to open the anus or vagina so that a medical expert can see and retrieve an item inside). Furthermore, if a condom does come off during sex you are no longer protected against STI’s and/or pregnancy so should contact the ESHS asap as there are sometimes methods that can lower your risk of these.
If a condom does slip off a penis during or after sex, this could be because the penis was not withdrawn while still hard or because the individual needs a different size condom. ESHS offer 4 different sized condoms (including Trim, Regular, King and Super King) at their clinics or for people over the age of 25 they can access these via condoms by posts which can be accessed here
Can you catch an STI the first time you have sex?
You can contract an STI any time you have unprotected sex. This means that if you are planning on engaging in sexual activity, the best thing to do is to make sure you are prepared. You can do this by discussing contraception and risk with your sexual partner(s) before engaging in any sexual activity to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and/or STI’s. Barrier methods of contraception such as condoms (to go onto the penis) and internal condoms (to go into the vagina) stop the exchanging of bodily fluid and skin on skin contact, so if used correctly they are effective at preventing the transmission of STIS.
STIs can also be passed through oral sex, however this can be prevented by using condoms (that even come in flavours) or oral dams, which is a thin latex sheet that goes infront of the vagina / anus. If you are worried about HIV transmission, there are preventative medications that can reduce the likelihood of HIV being transmitted, this is called PREP, more information can be found here.
Even with barrier contraception being used, there is still a small chance of STI’s being spread from one person to another. This is why the ESHS recommends getting an STI test between each sexual partner or every 6 months (which ever is more common). Find out more about prevention methods here.
Will I regret my first time?
There is a lot of pressure placed on having sex for the first time for a lot of people, however, this does not have to be the case. The first time you be intimate with a partner could be a bit awkward as it is something new and you may not know what feels good for you and your sexual partner, so it may not always be as ‘smooth’ as it looks in the movies. One way to lower the chance of feeling regret after sex is to take your time to get to know your partner, ensure you feel comfortable around each other and don’t rush to become sexually active. It is important to have a conversation with your sexual partner about things like contraception, expectations and boundaries. Sex should be an enjoyable and consensual experience. If any sexual activity is not consensual it is illegal and is sexual assault or rape. For more information on this please see our section on abuse.
How do I know if my penis/vagina/anus is normal?
Every single person is a completely different body shape and size, this includes our genitals, so there is no “normal”. Often people find themselves comparing their bodies or body parts (e.g. genitals) to those they see online, on social media and in porn. If you find yourself struggling with body confidence, seek support from a trusted adult and take a look at our “body confidence” section of the website. If you do notice something in your genital area that you are concerned about, speak to your GP or ESHS and they will be able to support you here.
Do I need to go to the toilet after having sex?
It is recommended to go to the toilet to pass urine (have a wee) after having sex to lower your risk of getting a urinary tract infection (UTI). UTI’s are not sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) but can occur after sexual activity due to risk of bacteria being pushed towards the urethra and then the bladder. Passing urine can flush these bacteria out before it has a chance to cause an infection. It is also advisable to clean the genital area with some tissue or a washcloth to gently wipe away any semen that may be around the external area. It is not advised to douche (washing out the vagina or rectum) after sex as this can cause irritation and inflammation as well as disrupting the natural balance of the vagina. If you think you have a UTI please visit your pharmacy or GP.
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is the term used to describe a climax or peak of sexual pleasure in sexual intercourse. For a person with a vulva this will lead to involuntary muscle contractions in the pelvic area, for a person with a penis this will lead to ejaculate (containing sperm) exiting the penis. It is also possible to orgasm through anal stimulation. Fun Fact: The average speed of male ejaculate is 28 miles per hour (mph). For more information around orgasms and sexual pleasure please watch our pleasure video which can be found here.
How do lesbians have sex?
Two women or people with vulvas can have sex in a range of different ways, just like anyone else. The most important thing you should do when engaging in any sexual activity with a partner is to have a conversation about your feelings, expectations and boundaries so you can both feel comfortable and happy in what you are doing. Some ways lesbians like to have sex can include fingering, oral sex (sex with mouths), sex toys, tribbing (a term used to describe bodies against each other, particularly peoples’ vulvas against another person’s thighs or other places that feel good) or scissoring. You can explore ways to make yourself and your partner feel good sexually in any way you both feel comfortable and consent to. for more information around LGBTQ+ sex please visit our dedicated LGBTQ+ section